Many relationships are based on using one another, rather than on loving one another. The positive form of that is business. Restaurants don’t serve food because all the people working there are the archetype of my mom who wants to cook me delicious food so that I can be strong, healthy and feel loved. Instead they cook so that I give them money. If they do a great, amazing job, either with food, presentation, service, or a bit of cheerful conversation, I tend to give more. So they try to give more within reason. That’s positive, and both sides leave the transaction feeling content. Prices are clear. There is little room for misunderstanding. One example of a misunderstanding that would arouse discontent for one side of the transaction is me paying exactly the price on the menu. That would leave off taxes (in many countries) and tip. I would get bad looks leaving the restaurant, and the possibility of inferior service and/or inferior food if I returned.
The other side of using one another is what happens to me from time to time with a scam artist. A kind seeming person offers something innocuous. I try to ask the price and they wave away the question. “Just pay what you like, it’s my gift to you” “No really, I don’t feel comfortable” “You are in our country, our guest, we are here to make you comfortable.” In Marrakech, this happened to my friend and I. We were offered henna on our hands. Afterward the claws came out. “Henna like this is expensive, normally Henna like this costs $150. Help us just pay for the material. See this girl, she needs money to go to University. Give us $140. That’s ok. We give you a great price”…. I finally extricated myself after handing over $40 and feeling very used, for 2 very amateurish henna tattoos on our hands when a professional, really amazing looking one at a store specializing in Henna might have been $7 each. This is where due to lack of clearly defined boundaries, expectations and using an exchange of guilt instead of an exchange of value, an uneven exchange is effected. I resent these situations, and the people who engineer them.
This is a not uncommon dynamic with non-profits and charities. Such organizations can attract people who believe so much in the good cause of the charity that they leech energy through manipulation, guilt, shame, and whatever works to get more from the people they are able to manipulate, than those people (I) typically intended to give in the first place. My pattern has been to play along for a while (it’s easier to give a bit more than to have the shaming or conflict now) until I get to the point of feeling so used I can no longer defer the inevitable conflict.
The bloodsucker wants more and I can’t give more. That’s when the real claws come out from the person who is the “user”: “You are abandoning the needy when they need you most. Shame on you. I always knew you were cold hearted, uncharitable, selfish,…..” the stream of invective is creative, imaginative, and hurtful. It’s also deeply untrue until the object is reversed and everything the speaker says about me is applied to the speaker and often fits with uncanny accuracy.
What is the recipe here? Say “No” to people who try to pull you into interactions and relationships where boundaries are not defined. If you try to define boundaries and they won’t allow it or actively resist, run. That is the sign of the avoidance of clarity now to create more conflict later. Anyone who tries to pretend like I could get more out of the relationship than they will, is generally setting up the intention of accomplishing exactly the opposite. Acknowledge that now and be prepared for a confrontation when you have to protect your energy against further vampire-like energy sucking.